Some of the new models you'll be seeing after the inauguration

Watch this girl "get owned by a treadmill" 3 times

I was advised by a fellow STUD that I could use some of these

CLICK PICTURE TO ENLARGE

Some Medical Advice

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?"

She asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"Oh no," I replied "I'm not doing drugs either." Then she asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that red meat is very unhealthy!"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said. She asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a little too much sex?""No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."She looked at me sadly and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"

EU issues directive on orgasms

The European Commission is working on a new directive to define a female orgasm after numerous reports of fake orgasms appearing throughout the continent.

Following an in depth survey across all member states the Commission found that the quality of orgasm - which was first discovered in France - varied significantly from country to country.

A spokesperson said in Brussels: "European law is very clear on the subject: whenever a product's name means that customers could expect a certain level of quality, it is important that suppliers of that product maintain those levels."The EC's definition of the orgasm is still a secret but it is understood to be linked to the Richter scale.

In a separate statement the EC said it was powerless to influence human rights violations in states who were major trading partners. They haven't figured it out yet, but spokesman Heywood Jablowme said they are working on implementing a tax for orgasms in the future.

Hey....you, have to admit, it's not that farfetched for the EU, is it?

LATEST GALLUP POLL

98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM WISCONSIN AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

What do Deer Think?

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist.
The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him?
Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'
Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'
The interview ended at that point...

You know it's bad, when you turn into a Newfie joke!

Poor Belgium. If it didn't exist, it would have to be invented. Somebody, after all, has to serve as the butt of jokes about intellectually-challenged clodhoppers.
As the country passed its record 150th day this week without a legitimate government, it solidified its role as a hapless global Newfoundland. Belgium might be headed for breakup, but all the rest of the world seems to do is laugh. READ THE MONTREAL GAZETTE

If you are unaware of the Newfie reference, as it applies to Canada, take a peek.....