Monday, April 03, 2006

Ron's Cultural Event Calender for his Home State

The Summer Redneck Games in Dublin Georgia in July are highlighted by the main event... The 100 meter SISTER CHASE. Other events include the cigarette flip, the mudpit belly flop, bobbing for pigs feet, the big hair contest, the hubcap hurl, the seed spitting contest, bug zapper spitball, dumpster diving, and everyone's favorite, the armpit serenade. "That's when you cup your hand under your armpit and make farting noises," "But people down here have taken it a step further and can play tunes." In 1998 one contestant pumped out the entire theme to the television show "Green Acres."
Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.
In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor.
The big event is the 100m Sisterchase.
Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.
Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Pissin Competition."
Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth.
Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.
Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes.
Two words: Billy Bobsledding.
Gentlemen…put on your beer goggles and start your riding lawn mowers. Admission is $5 per carload, so pack 'em in.

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