The kids are safe

Joke of the day

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."


"I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

"First Place!" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is this Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

SMART BABY

A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
“Are you my doctor” he asked?
“Yes, I am”, said the doctor.
The baby said, “Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth”.
He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother”?
“Yes, I am”, said the mother.
“Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born”, he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, “Are you my father”?
“Yes, I am”, his father answered.
The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. “Hurts don't it”!?!

Softball Heaven

Two old guys, Randy and Dan, had been friends for ages. When it was clear that Randy was dying, Dan visited one day. He said we both loved playing fastpitch all our lives, do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's softball there.
"Randy died, and at midnight a few nights later, Dan was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Dan, Dan"

"Who is it?" asked Dan, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Dan -- it's me, Randy."
"You're not Randy. Randy just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Randy," insisted the voice.
"Randy! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Randy. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Dan.
"The good news," Randy said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again, and on the bottem side of two bills. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Dan. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

Got it from Joe Z. and modified a bit....

Dubliners - The Wild Rover (No Nay Never)

AND A FEW OF MY FAVORITE IRISH JOKES

Two Irishmen are sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They see a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them says to the other, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they see a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman says, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen says, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be quite ill."

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?
Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked. "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

But will we still be able to get Waffles?

Arrêtez!... This could be the end of Belgium

Yves Leterme, the Flemish politician and party leader who is struggling to put together a ruling coalition after Flemish-speaking separatists made striking electoral gains, has declared Belgium "an accident of history".

Belgium has long been the butt of jokes from its larger European neighbours. But to its French-speaking minority, the current political crisis is no laughing -matter. READ ON